the skeletons are out.
It's time to spill the beans.
My husband has gone in and out of prison for drugs and other offences.
Each arrest plunges our family into a state of crisis,
A series of crippling events ensue, unabating, until the next arrest occurs.
The cycle starts again.
There is no respite, nor an end in sight.
We're now on our 4th cycle.
We've lost our savings, jobs, house and reputation.
We're left with our mind, body, freedom and our children.
Soon we might lose them all.
My husband has a near 1 in 2 chance of returning to prison within the next 5 years.
Again, like their father, our kids carry a lifelong and significant risk of mental illness, major depressive disorder, self harm and suicide.
Or our kids might just beat him to it.
They are 3.9x more likely to offend than their peers and will commit their 1st offence in the earliest years of life amongst all classes of offenders.
They are also prone to abuse substances and commit violent crimes.
If these happen, I'll have nothing to live for.
Finding support is tough.
Nobody likes offenders.
They don't like their families and friends too.
What people say about us.
But how much of these are true?
Are we vermins to society? Did we bring these events upon ourselves? Are we the parents that our kids are better off without?
Matters of our heart exists to set the record straight.
Every year nearly 10,000 families experience a family member's admission into prison. Almost half of these families will go through a similar experience again in their lives. With every 5 inmates who are parents, one will have a child who commits an offence, thus the cycle of offending continues to the next generation.
Statistics show the connections but not the causation. Why do ex-offenders return to prison, again and again? Why do the offspring of offenders follow in their footsteps? Is it simply a case of 'bad' genes that predispose them to criminal behaviours?
Why are first-time drug offenders getting younger? Why do youths take drugs? What can family members do when they encounter one of their own using drugs?
Through a first-hand account from one who is actually experiencing it, rather than the third party perspectives that has served as propaganda since time in memorial. It is imperative to be equipped with the necessary information to make informed decisions. You will find it here.
These concern everyone, even if you are a law-abiding citizen. The thing is, most people don't plan to commit a crime. When it happens, it's probably going to be too late to learn about these.
1
People say we brought these upon ourselves.
They talk about my husband.
They talk about me.
They talk about our parenting and our kids.
Is there any truth to all of these?
Offenders and their families face overwhelming odds against the criminal justice system.
Family members often suffer in silence, for fear of disclosing their familial ties with an offender
Exorbitant criminal defence fees, exponentially higher for trials, can be financially crippling.
Families of offenders pay the price when it's not their crime.
A series of paradoxes
Families of offenders are shocked by the jarring event. The mental and emotional turmoil persist over a long period of time with considerable challenges to overcome.
Children suffer disrupted attachment when parents / caregivers are taken from them. Younger children are particularly vulnerable.
To add on, change of caregivers, possible housing displacement and in some cases, separation from co-borns is highly destabilising.
This is a form of abandonment trauma and has serious long term negative repercussions, including substance abuse which gets them involved with the criminal justice system.
Family members are in line for a series of shocks that begin with the police arrest. With parents
Criminal conviction leads to career dissolution and void of academic achievements, eroding past efforts and affect state of finances.
Police arrest and lock up.
Impacts family members who suffer financial lack including unmet needs.
Often, they are sought out to contribute to the legal fees which affects their financial state.
Period of financial difficulties is indefinite.
Imprisonment causes forced separation and broken attachment.
Loss of work and income affects financial state.
Cessation of household duties and responsibilities. Long periods of idleness and boredom.
Loss of freedom in almost all aspects results in reliance on family members to provide (because the prison system does not), which includes visitation and communication.
Families face loss of income contribution, further straining their finances.
Disruption in distribution and fulfilment of household duties. Family members take on duties of their incarcerated kin, including obtaining a source of income. The increase in burdens compromise their own duties which could be important academic and work responsibilities.
Again, children are the most vulnerable.
Minimal help options available. Financial aid is challenging to get and even if approved, amount is meagre. Their cluelessness causes retraumatisation.
Post release,
Traumatised, requires time to reintegrate into society and depends on family for support.
Cessation of contribution to household duties and responsibilities.
Prolonged separation to family members cause broken attachment.
Traumatised family members have to uplift ex-offender kin when they are in crisis too.
Family members fulfil requests, again piling onto their own duties,
Prison visitation occurs twice a month. For certain clusters, they are fixed on weekdays office hours, clashing with working and studying family members.
Family members rush to meet timing, predisposing them to accidents along the way. They face increase in transportation cost due to need for hired vehicles, which is concerning due to their financial state.
Financial Losses
Psycho-emotional Wear Down
Remand cause forced and extended separation.
Pre-Conviction
Sentence Ongoing.
Children with parents / caregivers in prison will encounter the debilitating effects mentioned at the remand stage.
Prison visitation is not just crucial for the kin's wellbeing but a show of family support that preferences them for the offender's early release.
Children with parents / caregivers in remand and prison suffer disrupted attachments that have lifelong negative impacts.
With greatly restricted communication between inmates and family members, achieving family cohesion is a struggle.
Marital relationships are strained, leaving the spouse of the offender feeling unsupported, left to managing the family on his/her own.
Much harm is done when children have their parents imprisoned, even worse when they are the main caregivers. They experience abandonment trauma with serious lifelong consequences.
Families of offenders suffer from financial lack that grows as time progresses.
They assume more financial responsibility for the family's needs such as paying legal fees for the offender and acquiring an income. This goes on indefinitely.
However, financially sustaining the family is greatly undermined when fulfilling the obligations pertaining to inmate's wellbeing and the increased burdens with the major load of responsibilities resting on them.
Yet support for these families is abysmal. Hardly are programs implemented to address the needs of these families. In fact welfare agencies are almost scared to lend a hand.
The lack of resources and understanding regarding the unique needs of these families often exacerbate their situation, leading to feelings of isolation and helplessness.
There are 3 stages in the trajectory of an offender. All 3 stages deplete the offender financially; criminal defence expenditure in the pre-trial stage, loss of income in the imprisonment stage and stagnant, low income in the post-release stage.
3 Stages in trajectory of an offender.
Criminal punishment
Families of offenders pay the price when it's not their crime.
Relationships are impaired yet offenders rely on the kin for lodging. Living in such conditions breed the conditions of return to drug use.
Emotional losses
Financial Dissolution
Excess workload
They experience family upheavals, forced separation, and broken ties. For children, loss of parents / caregivers results in abandonment trauma, disrupting normal development.
The loss of a contributing family member to police remand or a prison term disturbs the distribution of duties in the household, carry serious implications for the family.
Fulfilling prison obligations add onto the workload.
Criminal defence expenditure, loss of income when in prison, receiving a low pay grade that normally accompanies a criminal record, are some ways that can lead a family to financial dissolution.
To be continued...
Yet they can impact our material reality significantly.
Widespread prejudice against offenders is particularly debilitating, engendering stigmatising treatment towards offenders in many areas of their lives. This can undermine their ability to lead a normal life.
Families of offenders are stigmatised and affected in similar ways.
These opinions reflect prejudice against criminal offenders.
It has given rise to widespread stigmatising acts towards offenders, that affect multiple facets of their life.
Families of offenders are deemed guilty just by association. They suffer stigmatisation like their offender kin.
These families usually choose to conceal their identity.
There are family members who resent the offender whose familial ties have subjected them to stigmatisation from others.
They may act out in behave in stigmatising ways towards the offender.
Stigmatisation can be perpetrated by family members to the offender.
Not infrequently, offenders are stigmatised by their family.
Its occurrence is especially damaging as it not only reduces family's support paramount to rehabilitation, it causes challenges too and right in the home.
Opinions are not necessarily based on facts.
What we know about any given situation is mostly influenced by what we hear, see and how we feel about these.
The thing is, many things that we think we know, we actually don't. We get snippets of information, from people and sources that have gotten snippets of information from people and sources... and all of them including us, have our own personal takes on the received coloured and biased
Stigma creates challenges, blocks access to help and support for offenders and their families, contributing to their state.
This multiplies the damaging impacts as it disrupts home life and undermines family support paramount to rehabilitation.
Like a rolling snowball that gains mass over time, they become over-whelming and unmanageable.
Families of offenders are deemed guilty by association.
Death by public opinion.
But tales plucked from the sky don't make for facts.
Nobody likes offenders.
Because criminals are the worst types around and do things like that.
They say as I'm married to him, I must be same like him.
The Irony.
They blame my husband for bringing this mess upon us.
Reduced job opportunities, low and stagnant income, distrusting employers, condescending co-workers, self-righteous family members and so on can be demoralising and disruptive.
Meeting basic needs of food and shelter can become challenging.
When all else fails, seeking the last line of hope ie. social welfare, they attract the same responses.
They suffer its impacts directly, and indirectly, through the offenders whose lives are closely intertwined with theirs.
The irony is that our predicament is contributed by the same people who are faulting us for it.
The more you stress people, the more you entrench them in the addiction.
The prison system does this.
Defence counsels work in the best interests of the client.
A better life begins with my husband's reforming his ways.
Or leaving him.
Admission of guilt equates to actual guilt.
Busting Myths
Criminal offenders are bad.
Prison rehabilitation works.
Family support is well, supportive.
The law is just.
Drug traffickers willingly traffic drugs.
Police are efficient and effective.
Drug abusers are lazy, unable to hold down a job and steal to support their drug habit.
Drug use is the cause of horrible crimes.
(Illegal) drugs take lives.
Prosecutors work in the interest of the public.
Court appointed legal representation is adequate and of good quality.
Prison reforms and rehabilitation is effective.
People who offend have contempt of the law.
Innocence will come to light.
Convictions are always rightful.
Families of offenders are deemed guilty by association.
So they resent the offending kin for the shame of their familial association.
When the law comes down on offenders, their families become collateral damage.
When the law comes down on offenders, their families become collateral damage.
Families of offenders pay the price when it's not their crime.
In the process of punishing the offenders, by stripping them their families are affected to a similar degree
The situation is complex and paradoxical.
Even their own families don't like them.
So they resent their offending kin for the many difficulties brought on by his brush with the law.
Families of offenders forced to offer support when they can't stay afloat.
So they resent their offending kin for the many difficulties brought on by his brush with the law.
When employers and co-workers devalue and exploit offenders.
When rehabilitation services disregard them.